


Return the Favor

by tokiidokii



Category: THE iDOLM@STER, The iDOLM@STER Sidem
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Role Reversal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 05:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13711242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokiidokii/pseuds/tokiidokii
Summary: Minori has always been the stable one in their relationship, always the one offering Kyoji emotional support whenever he felt frightened or overwhelmed.Tonight, that's about to change.





	Return the Favor

“Ouch.” Kyoji muttered, sleep thick in his voice. 

Sharing a bed with your partner came with its fair share of hazards, Kyoji discovered fairly early on in his only relationship. Minori, at least, could be a fairly active sleeper. This became especially apparent on days he went to bed stressed, tossing and turning and stealing the blankets from Kyoji on top of it all. Kyoji worried if he had a similar tendency to disturb Minori’s sleep, but all he said was that Kyoji snored ‘but in a cute way’, whatever that was supposed to mean.

Getting kicked in the kidney at 3 a.m. was significantly less cute. Calming Minori in his sleep was fairly easy though; on most nights all Kyoji had to do was cuddle up to him or whisper, and his partner would go limp. He wondered in the past if dreams ever accompanied all these movements, but Minori told him he never remembered them. 

Kyoji forced his mind to head in the direction of wakefulness, realizing with the rocking of the bed that this was a restless Minori kind of night. Odd, considering work had been fairly lax as of late. No major upcoming events or concerts, Kyoji groggily realized. Unable to motivate himself, Kyoji spoke instead.

“Minori...” He whispered. No response, Minori’s feet narrowly missed kicking Kyoji again. He tried again, louder. “Hey, Minori.” 

He stilled, and Kyoji heard Minori’s breathing change. Still half asleep, Kyoji sighed and closed his eyes.

The severity of the situation only hit him when he felt a hard tug under his back and heard the awful sound of Minori’s pained cry. He writhed, thrashed, but was unable to get free. His hair had gotten trapped underneath Kyoji’s weight, Kyoji realized, and in a split second he had rolled off the bed and landed on his hands and knees to allow his partner the fastest escape. What had gotten into him? He popped his head up over the side of the bed to see Minori now sitting on the opposite edge, hunched over and hair askew. Sharp breaths punctuated the silence and grew faster and faster and closer together in the span of just a few seconds.

“M-Minori? What’s wrong...?” Kyoji fought to keep the panic out of his own voice as he crawled back onto the bed. 

It took a moment before he could clearly make out Minori’s form, first noticing the harsh tremble running through his body, and second, the wetness on his face. Kyoji’s brain scrambled to recall, had he ever seen Minori cry before? Certainly not, he would have remembered something as serious as that. Speaking of, the other left his question unanswered. Not out of unwillingness to tell him, because uncertainty made Kyoji anxious and Minori knew it, but because his body prevented it. Minori grasped at his heaving chest, gasping too hard and too fast. He had a few guesses to the cause of Minori’s current state but couldn’t decide on one. Mental? Physical? Did Minori have some kind of past breathing problem he had never mentioned to Kyoji before? Despite his terror, he choked down the fear for the time being. Freaking out would help neither of them.

“Minori.” Kyoji said. Minori looked at him, dazed, eyes distant. “Do I...need to call a hospital?”

Minori shook his head violently. His hair whipped around and stuck to the sweat and tear tracks on his face.

“Okay.” Something about Minori’s response told Kyoji he already knew what he was dealing with. He reached forward to rub Minori’s back, but caught himself. “C-can I touch you?”

Minori looked away with guilt written all over his face. Kyoji wished this was easier, that Minori wasn’t suffering and could tell him what was wrong. Minori looked back as Kyoji swallowed hard and met his gaze-

Minori hugged him, and he caught Kyoji so off guard he almost fell over. He kept himself upright though, feeling Minori tighten his grip around him as a sob fought its way out between gasps. The incredibly thudding of his heart in his thin chest became readily apparent, and Kyoji squeezed him in understanding. He only wished Minori had warned him beforehand that he suffered from panic attacks.

“It’ll pass soon...you just need to breathe, okay?” Kyoji whispered, feeling a little dumb for stating the obvious. “Breathe...breathe...”

Kyoji took long, deep, deliberate breaths, hoping Minori would follow by example. He feared Minori might actually pass out - his hands and feet felt ice cold even through Kyoji’s pajamas. But his hyperventilating ceased almost immediately, still breathing too fast, but better. As adrenaline wore off in the both of them, Minori gave way to sobbing, and Kyoji’s chest tightened with emotion. He wanted so badly to be the kind of person who could kiss away his tears, tell him everything would be alright...but Minori kept so many secrets, not even Kyoji knew if he could promise that.

Though still crying, Minori’s grip slumped out of sheer exhaustion. Kyoji readjusted Minori to sit in his lap instead, cradling him with his back against the headboard. Minori welcomed this change, nuzzling his sticky forehead against Kyoji’s neck.

“...’m sorry...” Minori whimpered hoarsely, and Kyoji physically shuddered at the weakness in his voice. He then winced, because Minori certainly felt that.

“N-no no, it’s okay.” He said, knowing things weren’t okay. “Just tell me what I can do to help you.”

“Hold me.”

“Okay.”

Minori’s hand clawed at Kyoji’s pajama shirt in gratitude. Kyoji wracked his brain. God, what to do? He had never been in this situation before. If anything, it was always Minori comforting Kyoji through rough days, discussing his biggest fears, reassuring him even through the occasional quiet tears.

But Kyoji had never blown up _this_ bad. Had he been emotionally neglecting Minori? Well, if he refused to share, it couldn’t be helped. But, still...

No, no racing thoughts or guilt about that right now. If Minori was usually the one to do these things, he just needed to think like Minori. The things Minori would do if Kyoji was in this situation. He’d act like...like...

The younger man straightened his back off of the headboard before starting to rock from side to side. He felt silly, treating Minori like a child when the man was eleven years his senior, but Kyoji could swear it was working as the white-knuckled grip on his clothes loosened. He kept going, starting to slowly hum some new song Minori had put on in the car yesterday and hadn’t stopped listening to since. 

Kyoji had no idea how long he sat there holding Minori for, but it felt like ages. He would hold him as long as it took, of course, but the feeling of utter helplessness overwhelmed him. Minori usually held himself with a kind of effortless confidence Kyoji always envied. Was it all a well crafted facade? What other things did Minori hide from him? Things that made himself hurt?

Minori’s sobs grew farther and farther apart, replaced with the occasional yawn as he struggled to keep his eyes open. No doubt the attack had taxed him to his physical and mental limits. By the time Minori had cried himself out, an orange light started peeking in through the curtains. Minori blinked, once...twice...on the third time, his eyes stayed closed.

Sighing, Kyoji slowly laid him back down onto his side of the bed. Minori remained still, breathing now deep and even, lips slightly parted. Kyoji reached forward and brushed away some strands of hair plastered to the sides of his face before laying back down next to him. He hesitated, and then pulled Minori into his arms. He would stay safe as long as Kyoji was around.

——

Kyoji woke up later than usual, kept in bed by both the exhaustion from last night’s ordeal and the desire to hold Minori for as long as possible. He needed to get up though - he had to pee, and it was likely Minori would still sleep for some time. His suspicions were confirmed as Kyoji untangled their limbs, Minori’s body was completely dead weight and easily manipulated onto his side of the bed.

After using the bathroom, Kyoji aimlessly wandered into the living room. What was he supposed to do? What could he do? Anything? He was a sitting duck until Minori awoke, even then, he doubted he had the capability of comforting him in a fully lucid state. Sighing, he found himself wandering towards the washing machine in the corner. Minori probably wouldn’t have much energy for chores today. It was the least he could do.

Chores always had a calming effect on Kyoji - though most found them boring, he reveled in the kind of accomplishment that came from a simple but important task. He left the TV on in the background as he worked, forcing his mind to go blank while preoccupying himself with mundane tasks. He washed the laundry, scrubbed the bathroom, and had just finished hanging out the clothes on the line when he heard slow footsteps shuffle down the hall. 

Had the circumstances been different, Kyoji might have teased Minori for the total rats nest his hair had become. But the puffy pink skin around Minori’s eyes served as a stark reminder of last night’s ordeal, and it sent an upset pang straight through Kyoji’s chest. He had the right to look disheveled.

“Ah...there you are. Good morning.” He awkwardly greeted. Kyoji walked up to him a little too fast, raising his hand to brush hair out of Minori’s eyes, but he worried that might come off as acknowledging his messy hair and lowered it again. Minori shot him a curious look, but waited for Kyoji to speak.

“G...good morning. How are you feeling?”

“Better. Thank you for asking.” He said with his usual gentle smile, brushing his own hair out of his face. He wanted to feel relieved, but...seeing that expression on this version of Minori didn’t sit right. “I’m sorry I scared you. You did a good job taking care of me, you know.”

“D-did I?” Minori never faked a compliment, at least not when it was Kyoji. “I...felt so lost. I’ve never seen you like that before.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Minori’s face fell, and the hand adjusting his hair reached down to fidget with some loose strands at his shoulders. “It had just...been so long since the last time. I got too comfortable.”

“So you have had panic attacks before...” Kyoji frowned. “I wish you had told me anyways, I could have prepared...”

“I don’t need to burden you with my problems, Kyoji.” Minori walked back towards the bedroom, glancing behind him to indicate he still wanted to talk. Kyoji followed him, and watched as his partner retrieved a brush and sat on the bed to tackle his tangled hair.

“I burden you with mine all the time.” Kyoji retorted. Minori’s brows furrowed, almost angry.

“You’re not a burden, Kyoji. Don’t be silly.” He said, wincing with a hard tug.

“Well...neither are you.” 

Minori froze, brush still in his hair. Kyoji stared at him, face softening, waiting for a reply. Waiting for him to say something, anything. Sighing, Minori resumed.

“It’s not...I appreciate it. You’re a sweetheart, you know? But I’m a lot older than you. My problems...I don’t know where to begin. It’s a lot to take on.” Minori stopped brushing his hair and let his hands fall into his lap. “I don’t want you worrying about someone like me when you’ve got your whole life ahead of you, your own issues to deal with.”

“I...I’m not sure how to say this...” Kyoji muttered. He sat down on the bed next to Minori close enough for their knees to touch, but didn’t look at him. “It’s like...if I have my life ahead of me, but you’re going to be a part of it...your problems are my problems. It’s not fair for you to do all the work like that.”

“Ah...you’re really adamant about this, huh?” Minori chuckled bitterly.

“Am I...not supposed to be?” Kyoji wondered if he had pushed too far, but Minori shook his head. 

“No...you should.” He sucked in a deep breath with the slightest waver in his voice. “Though I hadn’t really prepared myself for this conversation yet.”

The ‘yet’ did not go unnoticed by Kyoji.

“You don’t have to tell me everything right now...I’m sure you’re still exhausted...” He turned to look Minori in the eye to show he was serious. “Can you at least tell me what brought on last night...?”

“That, huh?” He scratched his neck. It dawned on Kyoji a little late that question might be more loaded than he realized. Nonetheless, Minori prepared himself to answer. “Something very bad happened to me...several years back.”

“Uh-huh?” Kyoji made his interest known, though it saddened him Minori kept his guard so high.

“Ever since...I’ve had recurring nightmares about it. Almost all the time. I’d have an attack like that...once, twice a week. But I coped with what happened, and I had the dream so many times, I just kind of got used to it.”

“I-is that why you always move so much in your sleep?” Kyoji whispered, horrified.

“But the attacks stopped.” Minori replied, the non-answer serving as an answer all on its own.

“So, what made last night different?” The second the question left his mouth, Minori turned his head away. _Now_ Kyoji had gotten to the root of the problem, whatever it was.

“Last night...” He started. Kyoji reached forward and grabbed Minori’s smaller hand in his own, awkwardly fumbling the wooden brush out of it and letting it thump to the floor. “Last night was the first time you were in it, too.” Ice ran in Kyoji’s veins. 

“D-did I hurt you? I’d _never_ -“

“Kyoji...hehe, you’re so sweet.” Minori raised his hand and placed it to his soft lips. “I know that. I wasn’t the one getting hurt.”

Kyoji shivered again, but for different reasons. Minori had a nightmare...about him? Something bad happening to him? And it sent him hurtling awake into a panic attack. His stomach rolled with guilt. He immediately blamed himself, though he already knew it made little sense. He never wanted Minori to have that kind of dream, but it was still kind of his fault. Worse still, a smaller voice in his mind felt _happy_ \- _someone cares about you that much, more than anyone has ever cared, and it’s Minori_. How awful of him to think such a thing.

“Kyoji. Kyoji?” Minori waved his unoccupied hand in his face. “I was worried you might react like that...it’s not your fault.”

“S-sorry.” Kyoji blinked. “But you shouldn’t worry so much about me. I’m not that special.”

“Hmm...not happening.” Minori’s lips tugged into a smile. “You’re plenty special to me.”

“Yeah, well...” Kyoji blushed. How did this turn around into comforting him? “E-either way...it’s not like I’m going anywhere. I promise.”

“That’s a big promise.”

“I know.” Kyoji answered with no hesitation. He must have caught Minori off guard, a rare blush spreading across his cheeks.

“...thank you.” Minori laid his head on Kyoji’s shoulder.

“Whatever happened to you...I want you to be able to tell me about it when you’re ready...” Kyoji kissed the top of Minori’s head and received a squeeze of his hand as a reward.

“I love you.” Minori breathed, as if a huge weight had been taken off of his shoulders.

Kyoji cleared his throat so he wouldn’t stutter back when he said, “I love you, too...”

Minori and Kyoji sat together, holding hands and leaning against each other for several minutes. Kyoji relished any time he got to spend cuddling against him. He also wanted to make sure Minori had as much time as he needed, especially after knowing now what had him so upset. He only let go when Minori made a move to get up and stretched an arm over his head.

“Since it’s our day off, we should probably get some work done around the house now that I’m up. It’s nice outside, so you should be able to do the laundry today.”

“Oh, I uh, did that already.”

“Oh, did you?” Minori turned his head to look over his shoulder.

“Yeah. I cleaned the bathroom too.”

“Oh, thank you, but...isn’t that usually my job?”

“I mean, I figured you’d be tired today. I’m not exactly good with words, so I thought, at least I could do something to make things easier for you.”

“Kyoji!” Minori declared, making him jump. He darted forward and cupped Kyoji’s face in his hands. “You said something really romantic just now!”

“Uhh...” Minori’s grip was light, so Kyoji could easily grab his wrists and remove his hands. Which he did. “I don’t see what’s romantic about cleaning a toilet...”

“You did something nice without being told.” Minori smiled genuinely. “That’s what love is all about.”

“Y-you think so?” It was Kyoji’s turn to blush again.

“You shouldn’t second guess yourself so much. You’re very good to me.” Minori discarded his pajamas and started going through the closet to pick out something to wear. “It’s almost lunchtime, have you eaten yet?”

“No...” Too much stress, Kyoji just forgot.

“Let me return the favor then.” He pulled a shirt over his head and walked to the bedroom door. “Aren’t you coming?”

Minori was beaming.

“Right, I’m coming...” Kyoji said, lifting himself up. 

Without even thinking about it, a big smile broke out across his face.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you're reading Anticipation Anxiety, I promise I'll finish it soon. I just got inspired and I really wanted to write this.


End file.
